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^z^ Modem Comedies, Farcks 
-» lo*^- and Dramas' '■ "- 



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BY 



WELL KNOWN AUTHORS 



JUST 
FOOLISHNESS 



This Series Comprises the 
Brightest and Best List of 
Plays, Farces, Dramas, 
Monologs, Dra- 
matic Scenes, 
Etc., Pub- 
lished. 



PRICE, 25c. 



M. WITMARK & SONS 

NEW YORK CHICAGO LONDON 



The Crest Trading Company. WitmarK Building. New YorR 



These plays for Amateurs are 
not subject to a royalty. 

Professional performing rights 
reserved. 

For terms and Particulars ad- 
dress the publishers. 



Just Foolishness. 



A HODGE PODGE VAUDEVILLE ACT 



For Two Male Comkdians 



ARYAN CARLE. 



ALSO SUITABLE mOR MIlSrSTRELS 



"^^^^S^"^^"^ 



Published By 

M. YYITMii^RK & SONS 

NEW YORK 



Copyright 1910 by M. Witmark & Sons 
English Copyright Secured. 






DIAGRAM OF STAGE. 

D.«.C. CO. txL.C 




\ 



Lij.t: 



LX. 



V.s.e . 



AUDIE.NCE. 

L. I E. — Left first entrance. 
R. I E. — Right first entrance. 
h. U. E.— Left upper entrance. 
C. — -Centrf^ of stage. 
R. C. — Right centre of stage. 
L. C. — Left centre of stage. 

C. D.— Centre door. 

D. R. C. — Door right centre. 
D. L. C— Door. left centre. 



©GID ^2511 



SCENE. 

Opens with stage set in two or three, either an 
interior or exterior can be used. Closes with a 
street scene in one. 



COSTUMES. 

The act can be costumed and played in three 
ways: 

FIRST : — Blackface. Straight plays a dandy 
coon wench. Comedy plays an eccentric cake- 
walk coon. 

SECOND : —Straight dresses neat soubrette 
style or slightly burlesqued female make-up. 
Comedy dresses eccentric comedy style make- 
up, as a tramp or nondescript, 

THIRD : — Can be played by both taking male 
characters, either black or white face, one 
character to dress neat or straight character, 
the other always eccentric comedy style. 

For further suggestions as to wigs, make-up and 
costume for any character, their style and prices, write to 

♦'THE CREST TRADING COMPANY'^ 
J44 West 37th Street, New York 



PROPERTIES. 

If straight character dresses female style, use fan 
and parasol for hand properties. If male style, use 
a folded newspaper or cigar. 

Comedy character uses half burnt cigar, and much 
comedy can be worked up with this butt ; for 
instance, while waiting for a laugh to quiet down, 
put wrong end (Jit end) in mouth and use business 
of having burned the tongue. Also have a small 
pair of scissors and a whisk broom concealed about 
person, and occasionally cut the ashes off of cigar 
butt, or brush same off with whisk broom. 



JUST FOOLISHNESS 

A Hodge Podge Vaudeville Act 

By ARYAN CARLE 



(A I music of introductio7i to Parody^ enter eccentric 
character and sifigs the following parody on "LovH 
Me and the World is Mine". 

Note:— The original of this song can be secured from 
"The Crest Trading Company" who can furnish any piece 
of published music. Song 25c., orchestration 50c. 

PARODY ON 
LOVE ME AND THE WORLD IS MINE. 

I wandered out to see the town 

Beneath the shining city lights ; 
I met an angel dressed in brown, 

Yes she was fairest of the sights. 
Eyes that shine right into mine, clear — 

Oh be mine, I said dear, 
For I'm surely struck on you ; 

Yes, she said, for I am lonely. 
And I'll be yours only 

Take me out to dine. Oh do ! 

Refrain. 
I know not what I paid for wine, 
She took my money and my time, 
I only know she cleaned me! {pull out pockets^ 
Skidood ! left me not a dime. 

Encore Refrain. 
I must have had a bully time, 
But Oh ! I hate to be a shine. 
Next time I see her coming — 
Skidoo and the woods for mine ! 

{Enter Straight at finish of song. ) 



6 JUST FOOLISHNESS. 

Eccentric. Ah ha! Sarah Bernhardt,* you here! 
curses on me luck, but you shall not have the Childs 
(Jakes a Childs Cigar from pocket and breaks it, then 
hands another cigar to part7ter) but here's a Cremo. 
Say did 3- ou ever smoke a herring ? 

Straight. ( Throws Cigar away) I don't smoke. 
Of course not! Did I ever smoke a herring? You're 
crazy. 

Eccentric. No, I was reading in the paper to- 
day that herring are smoked, so somebody must 
smoke 'em. Ghee this I'm smoking is a smelt not 
a herring. 

Straight. You ought to be ashamed of your- 
self; why don't you go to work? 

Eccentric. Me? Work? And disgrace my 
profession ? Never. 

Straight. Your profession ? 

Eccentric. Yes, I'm a Politician. 

Straight. How do you live ? 

Eccentric. By my wits. 

Straight. That's sad. 

Eccentric. What ? 

Straight. Why you have such a small capital 
to live on. 

Eccentric. That's right, if you want to make 
a good front, put all you get on your back — I came 
near getting a job to-da3\ 

Straight. My goodness, how was that ? 

Eccentric. President of {local Ba7ik) wanted 
me for a draft clerk. 

Straight. Draft Clerk ? 

* If this part is played as a male character, the name of some 
prominent actor may be substituted. 



JUST FOOLISHNESS. 7 

Eccentric. Yes, I was to opeu the windows 
every morning and let the drafts come in, but he 
turned me down. 

Straight. How was that ? 

Eccentric. Oh he asked me "did you ever 
play a game of chance ", and I had to admit that I 
did once. 

Straight. Once ? 

Eccentric. Yes, I got married. Say can you 
catch a mackeral by putting salt on its tail ? How 
foolish, I'm an athlete. 

Straight. Is that so? So am I, I held the 
record for jumping. 

Eccentric. I hold a record for jumping too. 

Straight. You do ? 

Eccentric. Yes, board bills. Say does it hurt 
a joke when you crack it ? 

Straight. I saw you to-day with an arm full of 
old calendars, what were you going to do with them ? 

Eccentric. I'm keeping my dates and I'm 
saving time ! Say why do Pawnbrokers have 
three balls for their sign ? 

Straight. I don't know, why do they ? 

Eccentric. Oh it's a warning. 

Straight. A warning ? 

Eccentric. Yes, it means 2 to i you never get 
back what you put up with them. I just hate 
pawnbrokers — but I have to put up with them. 

Straight. That's because you won't stop 
thinking you can play cards. 

Eccentric. That reminds me, I stole something 
to-day that I can't put back. 



8 JUST FOOLISHNESS. 

Straight. Shame on you for stealing ; what 
was it? 

KccKNTRic. I was with some friends and when 
it came my turn to treat I stole away. Say, did you 
ever travel on {local ) railroad ? 

Straight. Oh yes many times. 

EccKNTRic. I'll bet you rode in the side-door 
pulmans if you did. 

Straight. Side-door pulmans? 

"Eccentric. Yes — the ones some people call 
freight cars. 

Straight. I'll have you understand the Presi- 
dent of that road has honored me with a pass. 

Eccentric. Yes, he passed me too yesterday, 
he was coming up the street, I was going down, 
he passed right by. Say I'll bet you have a F.P.T. 
pass. 

Straight. An F.P.T. pass? 

Eccentric. Yes, free passage on the ties. 
Oh that's a nice railroad all right. There's the fun- 
niest railroad in this country, why it's built on 
three gauges — broad gauge, narrow gauge and 
mortgage. 

Straight. You're smart aren't you? But I've 
a conundrum for you; what word of five letters, 
take two away and one remains ? 

Eccentric. Stop your kidding, I give up. 

Straight. The word money. 

Eccentric. Money, Oh I always have to give 
that up. But how do you make it ? 

Straight. Well, take M and Y away from 
money and o-n-e remains. 



JUST FOOLISHNESS. 9 

Eccentric. Take two letters away from money 
and 5^ou have one. I knew a fellow that took money 
away from two letters and he got ten years. Did 
you ever see so much rain, but we must have rain, 
can't raise anything without rain, have to have rain 
to raise even umbrellas. 

Straight. You ought to be ashamed of your- 
self to spring such an old joke, you ought to 
respect old age. 

Eccentric. Respect old age, do you always 
respect old age ? 

Straight. Certainly I do in everything. 

Eccentric. How about eggs. Did you hear 
about {local ) department store ? 

Straight. No, what about them. 

Eccentric. Why if you buy your stockings 
there they will send them home in a hose cart. 
I've been up all night. 

Straight. Poker game or baby ? 

Eccentric. Neither, I was thinking out a game 
to beat the races. 

Straight. Did you ever Go broke playing the 
races ? 

Eccentric. No, but I came home broke many 
a time. I used to be lucky in races. I won three 
in one day once, i with the Sheriff and 2 with the 
police. I used to own the fastest horse on the track. 
Fast ? When I let him out he ran so fast that the 
telegraph poles looked like the teeth in a fine 
toothed comb. He was an awful sure-footed horse. 

Straight. Sure-footed ? 

Eccentric. Yes sure-footed, he kicked me 
twice in the same place; but he's dead now. 



lo JUST FOOLISHNESS. 

Straight. How did he die ? 

Eccentric. He ran so fast, his ribs got to 
rattling and it scared him to death. Do -you know 
the surest way to make a horse fast ? 

Straight. No, how ? 

KcCKNTRic. Get a rope and tie him to a post. 
That's a horse chestnut. 

Straight. You have broken the promise that 
you made me. 

Eccentric. Never mind, let it go, I'll make 
you a new one. 

Straight. You promised me that you would 
get a job and go to work. 

Eccentric. I did get a job. 

Straight. Where ? 

Eccentric. In a grocery store, but I got 
arrested for cruelty to animals. 

Straight. Cruelty to animals ? 

Eccentric. Yes a cop saw me bottling cats-up. 
But I'm in a new line now, and it's a taking line too. 

Straight. What line ? 

Eccentric. Clothes line — at night. I'd be 
all right if I could only get a job at me profession. 

Straight. What profession is that ? 

Eccentric. I am a poet. 

Straight. You write poetry ? 

Eccentric. Sure thing, I'm the poet liar-yet 
of this country. 

Straight. Why you don't know the first 
principle of writing. 

Eccentric. Jealousy that's all, this business is 
full of it. 



JUST FOOLISHNESS. ii 

Straight. No I'm not jealous. I'm skeptical. 

Eccentric. Why don't you take something 
for it? 

Straight. For what ? 

Eccentric. For what you said you had. 

Straight. You misunderstand me, I mean 
that I do not believe that you can write poetry. 

Eccentric. Well I can prove it. 

Straight. I'm from Ann Hauser-Busch-ville, 
and you'll have to show me. 

Eccentric. You put me in mind of my first 
wife, I always had to tell her everything that 
happened — of course I also told her lots that never 
happened. Now there was the handsomest women 
on earth I — 

Straight. That's all right, but how about the 
poetry. 

Eccentric. Every time you mention poetry I 
think of her, beautiful? she was a dream. Her 
dear little mouth— it was so small she could never 
hold her tongue — her mouth — well it looked just 
like a dried cut in a lemon — and eyes — all blue of 
the skies was there— of course I sometimes got tired 
of blue and changed them to black — but poor girl 
she was crossed in both eyes — yes she was so cross- 
eyed that when she would cry up stairs in the front 
room all her tears ran down the back steps. 

Straight. But how about that poetry ? 

Eccentric. Poetry— her hair was the kind that 
makes poets rave {ing mad). She had red hair, not 
the ordinary red hair but about 9 times redder than 
that. Why her hair was so red that one night she 



12 JUST FOOLISHNKSS. 

went out to the barn and all the roosters woke up 
and commenced to crow. 

Straight. All the roosters crowed ? 

Eccentric. Yes they thought it was sunrise. 

Straight. But how about that poetry ? 

Eccentric. Poetry always reminds me of her. 
She always accused me of marrying her for her 
money. 

Straight. Was she rich ? 

Eccentric. Well when I married her she had 
one whole dollar and I had on 85 cents. Every 
time we quarrelled she used to throw that 15 cents 
up to me and say I married her for her money. 

Straight. But how about that poetry? I don't 
believe that you can write poetry. 

Eccentric. Do I write poetry ? does a duck do 
the natatorium? will a hobo drink rum? Why I 
can beat Wood-yard Kindling {Rtidyard Kipli7ig) 
with both hands tied behind me. Here's a little 
thing that I dashed off to-day, you take this with a 
little seltzer on the side. 

{Reads) Willie cracked up several eggs the cook had 
boiled for tea 
But Willie said these eggs are not what they're 
cracked up to be. 

Straight. You don't call that poetry, do you ? 
Eccentric. Sure it is, you didn't think that it 
was a Chinese prescription for the chills, did you ? 
Here's another touching little thing which I have 
dedicated to the Governor of New Jersey. 
{Reads) Amos Skeeter went to skate upon a man's bald 
head 
But he slipped down — 
And broke his crown ; 
Now Amos Skeeter's dead. 



JUST FOOLISHNESS. 13 

Straight. That is worse than the other. 

Eccentric. You're no judge. 

Straight. No, but if I was I'd give you ten 
years for that. 

Eccentric. Why I hold the medal for writing 
the shortest and most poetical poem in the English 
language. 

Straight. You hold a medal for the shortest 
poem ? 

Eccentric. I do — here it is. 

Boy : — Gun 
Gun :— Bust 
Boy :— Dust 
Straight. Who ever told you that you were a 
poet ? 

Eccentric. Here's an effort that will touch the 
heart of every man in this audience, watch for the 
tears when I give it to them. 

A girl, a man, they meet, Oh bliss 
Their lips have met in one rapt kiss 
When she has went, his watch is missing 
Oh ! what a price to pay for kissing 
Straight. Help ! Murder ! Police ! Won't 
some one save me ? 

Eccentric. Perhaps you'll like this better. I 
wrote it for my Sunday school class. 
The good are sure, I am told this 
When dead to surely go to bliss 
But if you're wicked, brother, sister 
Instead of bliss, you'll go to blister. 
Straight. That's where you'll go if you don't 
stop. 

Eccentric. Here's one I dedicated to the 
Governor of Texas. 



14 JUST FOOLISHNESS. 

There was a young man named Alexis 
Whose home was away down in Texas 
But this silly young fool 
Pinched the leg of a mule 
And he died with a broken solar- plexis. 
Straight. I call a foul on that, you're down 
and out. Mr. Referee sound the bell. 

{^Bell rings off stage 7iine times immediately after 
the ninth stroke, eccentric cries out. ) 

Eccentric. Stop ! those wedding bells shall 
not ring out (^Strikes dramatic attitude. ) 

Straight. You're enough to make Shakespeare 
turn in his grave. 

Eccentric. Here's one I dedicated to Ella 
Wheeler Wilcox, it's a dainty little love poem. 
'Tis sweet to love. 
But Oh ! how bitter, 
To meet your girl when her clothes don't fit her. 

Shades of Tennyson, listen to that! 
Here's where I put Tennyson in the shade. 

They used to pray in the good old day 

Give us this day our daily bread 

But times have changed and they've arranged 

To use this form of prayer instead. 

We pray Thee please to give us ease 
From all the many debts we owe 
And just instead of daily bread 
Give us each day our daily dough 

Straight. You don't have to be a Baker to 
knead that. 

Eccentric. Here's one that ought to get me a 
tablet in the hall of fame. It's a very pathetic 
little piece ; I may break down in reciting it — if I 
do, I hope you will pardon my tears. 



JUST FOOUSHNESS. 15 

MIRANDA'S VERANDA 
There was a young girl named Miranda 
Who courted her beaux ou the Veranda 
But her brother named Ted 
Painted everything red 
Unknown to his sister Miranda. 
That night with a chap named Leander 
Miranda sat on the veranda 
Next day what they said 
Matched the paint that young Ted 
Had placed on Miranda's Veranda. 
( To Orchestra. ) 
Fiddle, bunch! you've had a long enough rest. 
Song. 

SinP^ P ' Bye Bye My Caroline. ' ' 
' .u 1 "You'll Have to Get Off and Walk/' 
(. *• Bye Bye My Sailor Boy— Jack Tar." 

Dance and Off. 

Encore. 

Eccentric. See, I told yo\x if you didn't do 
that right they'd make you come back and do it 
over again. 

Straight. I'll never do right as long as I stick 
to you. 

Eccentric. Ain't that cruel? Just for that 
you'll have to sing again — get busy Mister Music 
Mans. 

Sing another verse of so7ig or another songy finish 
with dance, and off. 



"HER. BUSY DAY" 

A CHRISTMAS PLAY IN ONE ACT. FOR 3 MALES AND 3 
FEMALES. BY MAY CATHARINE BARRETT. 

A pretty Yuletide love story, this. 

On Christmas Eve a poor stenographer, who is secretly in love 
with her employer, is discussing the personality of the latter's alleged 
fiancee with the office boy. The marriage of their employer and the 
woman of his choice is rumored as being about to take place. She calls 
at the office, that afternoon, to go Christmas shopping with him. When 
the stenographer is left alone an unscrupulous young man who admires 
her enters and tries to tempt her to spend a gay evening with him. 
She is about to do so, being despondent over the apparently imminent 
wedding of her employer. 

Her admirer, in the hope of establishing a hold upon her, shows 
her an important contract which she accidentally dropped and he found 
the evening before. This he proposes to use to injure her employer, 
and the stenographer, in order to save the latter, is about to leave the 
office with the former and so gain time and opportunity to secure the 
contract, when her employer himself re-enters, having missed the paper 
and grown uneasy about it. She tells him that she lost it, that her 
admirer found it, and that he was about to restore it to its rightful 
owner, to all of which the admirer unwillingly assents. 

She then returns the contract, and again starts to leave with her 
admirer in accordance with her promise to him, but her employer, sus- 
pecting that all is not right, calls her back, persuades her to admit 
that her admirer stole the paper, and that she is about to jeopardize 
herself for the employer's sake. He then tells her that he was never 
actually affianced to the woman with whom rumor has connected his 
name, and that her recent conduct has displeased him so much that 
he has parted company with her. He then asks the stenographer to 
become his wife, which she, confessing her love for him, promises to 
do. The false admirer returns for her, but receives his dismissal. 
"This has been my busy day!" she says, at the close. 

Price, 25 cents, postpaid. 



"THE HABITANT'S REVENGE'' 

A PLAY IN ONE ACT. FOR 2 MALES. BY GORDON ROGERS. 

A Canadian-French trapper, while recalling how he and his daugh- 
ter were wronged by a stranger to whom he showed hospitality, twenty 
years ago, that very night, and plotting revenge, is suddenly visited by. 
apparently, the same man, whom he recognizes, but who does not recog- 
nize him. Taking the visitor at a disadvantage, the trapper, before 
wreaking vengeance upon him, discloses his identity, and recites his 
wrongs to him, recalling how he was robbed of his only daughter, 
twenty years before, by the handsome stranger. 

While the trapper is seeking his child his aged father dies at home, 
and the daughter afterwards returns to her father's cabin only to die 
on its threshold. For all this, vows the trapper, the other must die, 
but, just as the much wronged man is about to put his threat into 
execution, the younger, realizing that he is the son of the wrongdoer, 
declares himself just in time to save his life. 

A powerful, dramatic story, most effectively told, and affording 
opportunities for the portrayal of a strong character study and of an 
attractive juvenile part. 

Price, 25 cents, postpaid. 



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